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I write. And I live by the river. I write. And I live by the river. And I was a bit too close to drowning when you taught me how to actually swim in it. The truth is I am the writer but you wrote all those poems yourself.

Oh how lucky I am to see you in the light of everyday life... For the rest of our lives.

Waking up, scratching your back, getting annoyed with the TV when it won't connect to your phone... Kissing me, saying "I love you", falling asleep... Come to think of it, there's nothing mundane to it, nothing ordinary. It's a dream come true, and I don't say that lightly, i had some pretty bad nightmares in my days, and nights filled with longing for this, exactly this. I love you, and I miss you every single moment we're apart.

There are no happy endings while we're mortal. The end isn't lights out and saying "cut", and it's not the final kiss to the setting sun. The ending isn't what we're shown - The ending, is what we know. And "every living creature dies alone" gets a new meaning as soon as you meet the one you could never live without, And you know that he's the one and only for you, Carved out of most fragile dreams Shaped by the most delicate ideas, Formed by the words you say out loud, and the ones you go without. And with every single beat of his heart You pray that your head stays that way. On his chest, listening to it forever, because it's the most beautiful song since "Time", and you've listened to it all your life, but that has little relevance right now, because everything has little to no relevance right now. And it's simple, Because "Time" and all of the others end up dancing to "The End" by the time the ending comes.

I've read somewhere once how we were made of stardust, and how we are one with the universe, and it is not in fact, against us. And I used to wonder at nights about the days I've spent on chasing kites as a child, as an innocent soul, with aspirations, dare I say dreams.... and I used to wonder, desperately trying to pinpoint the moment in time, the exact moment when that child died.

Time is the only thing we have, And the only thing we constantly lack. Just out of our reach, and yet at the same time, it's forever in our grasp.

Time is always on our side. Flip the hourglass, and start counting again.

Find yourself in those chords, before you find yourself at the crossroads. Get to know your own soul, before deciding to sell it. Because it's always been devil's for the taking, and you are forever damned to roam, forever damned to hum to the noise of your knuckles breaking, and your voice cracking, and your heart bleeding, for everything you could've written.

Stay with me, let's fall asleep. Pray that the rain never stops. - You know those lazy days, hazy days, days we spend in our jammies jamming to the music we both love? And we drink the coffee we forgot about the night before, and we dread tomorrow day's work, and we're in each other's embrace, holding each other tight, holding onto each other for dear life? And we wish we could become one, so we do. And we stay like that, peaceful, sleepy, and tired, and content with the road we paved for ourselves. We listen to the rain falling down, down, down, falling down to the same ground we once fell to, and we stayed, and we stay, and we prayed, and we pray, it never stops.

It's been 49 days, 49 days and still counting To say it has been torture would be quite of an understatement Torture, or misery, or hell, doesn't even begin to cover it at all I miss you I chose you I chose you and you've chosen me right back And i miss your smile And I'd love to say i catch myself singing in the shower every once in a while but i don't I don't And it's killing me to not have you next to me And when i say next to me i don't really mean next to me and you know what i mean you always know exactly what i mean and how i mean it and exactly how much and how far and how gentle and when i say gentle that's also what i don't exactly mean And i miss you I miss the way you smile I miss the way you come back home from work After a long day after a hard terrible day at work i miss waiting for you and giving you exactly what you want A home cooked meal, sometimes raw, mostly raw, actually who am i trying to fool it's always raw And real and i feel you and i miss feeling you My lips have never felt this way My body doesn't really understand this either And my eyes look bloodshot broken capillaries and all and i haven't cried in so long because i couldn't There's a time and place and this is by no means the time nor the place And i feel like i won't cry at all for a very long time I don't feel what i have felt before All i feel now is the need to go home To you To our bed To our life To you To you And the dips in your hips jesus your hips and your hands your touch Just your touch alone And your kisses And your thrusts And your eyes My favorite color when you look at me when you kiss me when you love me When you love me You love me You love me And i love you

And i love you

She walked to the abandoned trash filled sorta like a path that is located right behind her building. Loaded with a pack of cigarettes, and some sad tunes, she found the perfect clover filled patch on ground, she plopped her ass down and got to work. For this was the biggest fight in her life, and she wasn't gonna surrender. Ever. She changed positions, one leg beneath the other, on one knee, on both knees, sprawled paint-me-like-one-of-your-french-girls like, and she searched. Her vision foggy every two or so minutes - less but who cares. And she searched like that for what seemed like forever, even though it was just a few minutes, or hours, i can't remember well. People passed her by as if she was insane. For it wasn't a little girl anymore, even though she felt like she was 12 again when she was seventeen, when her father died. She felt twelve, but she wasn't. At some point, some patch, while she was kneeling in the dirt, she heard a question. Faint, but it was there. "What are you searching for?" And she just as faintly replied, "A benign one". After she paused for just a moment, she said: "You better be God, or the Devil, for only one of them could solve my problem." And the voice didn't ask for her soul, not much of a soul left to be honest, she cried most of it out the night before. The voice didn't ask for her first-born, or her loving husband who knows which socks she needs the most at any given time and situation. The voice didn't ask for anything at all, in fact it never spoke again. But at the next moment she found, exactly what she was looking for. All the luck in the world to give her brother to. For if anyone ever deserved to die old and gray and frayed, well past his children have wed, and long past the twelve year old girl has been put to rest, it was him. She found hope.

You know, just had a thought, when we were kids And we were playing never have i ever And amongst blatantly specific targeted "never have i ever dyed my hair green" There comes up a stray "never have i ever had any kind of surgery"

And the ones who had their appendix removed drank and never actually mentioned it again No one ever really elaborated And i never spared a thought about it before now

I never asked if they were scared

Lying on the table Their body, their life just out there in the open being held by some random hands you've never held in your own They're responsible for your faith hanging in balance, and you choose to trust those complete strangers, and you hope they don't fuck you up

You don't know their names, Have you asked for their names? And was anyone waiting for you outside? Were you afraid you'd never see them again?

Did you make sure to tell them you loved them? Were you afraid? Of everything that might go wrong

How could you lie still and just not jump off and say nope fuck this shit I'm out

Where was the fear i imagine you felt? And how could you not talk abouth that crippling fear every single second since it has passed

And once i was lying there myself I found out the first thing they do is that they put an oxygen mask on you And you breathe it in

Maybe it's not just the oxygen but something to calm you down Maybe something flowing through your veins

Maybe something somewhere somehow, but surely something somewhere somehow

Nevertheless

I remember the tranquility I remember not being afraid I remember that feeling so well

And they say you forget it all pretty soon But forgetting it all doesn't mean having no memory of it But instead you would sometimes get tiny flashes throughout your life that you can't really pinpoint just like a smell or a taste you've forgotten about and you try to reach it with your open hands but it's somehow always just on the tip of your tongue always just an unfortunate amount of distance between you and it and you just settle for saying that it's just out of reach

But i still remember as clearly as i possibly can how i took every breath there, while i was laying there on the table How i felt with each and every breath i took

Calm

Because every night i lie in your embrace i can trust your breathing While you're asleep

And that's it, I realize, That's the calm - It's in fact that exact same calm that medicine tried to recreate

Being in your embrace With your breath against my neck

The calmness, the tranquility The safety

Only it's real

Trenutak, cim osetim da zaspivam srce mi propadne i osetim kao da je zapravo stalo na trenutak, znaci ne preskocilo nego bas stalo. Prva pomisao mi je bila je da me stizu sranja koja mozda nisam lepo preadila psihicki i da je to taj stres koji ne secamo svakodnevno u mislima - vec se taj stres odrazava na fizicko stanje onako podsvesno - bez osecaja da te nesto konstantno muci - vec muci iako ne pricas o tome ili mislis na to. Generalno smatram da sam jaka osoba, ali sam svesna cinjenice da i kamen moze da se polomi, narocito necim bezazlenim kao sto je kapljica vode - koja kaplje konstantno, onako po malo, zauvek.

Sledece sto sam istrazivala je mogucnost postojanja aritmije ili generalno drugacijeg rada sica zbog neke infekcije. Nije ni to bilo. Plan je bio da prvo odem kod kardiologa, pa da uradim sve moguce laboratorijske testove za koje mi ima smila da moze da bude povezano, kao recimo da se proveri secer, hormoni stitne zlezde, generalno krvna slika - pokazace infekciju bar. Kad se proveri "hardver" detaljno i iskljuci kao to sto stara problem, ostaje "softver", pa sam planirala da odem kod nekog privatnog psihijatra (jer jebiga, bolje da me resenje kosta novca nego da me u drzavnoj stave na antidepresive ili lekove za smirenje bez lecenja uzroka vec samo posledice, sto je uzasno normalno kod nas u zdravstvenom sistemu). Kod mene je ispalo da se telo prilagodjavalo trudnoci, i imala sam ubrzan puls koji me je konstantno podsvesno plasio i onda mi je adrenalin skakao. Jako jednostavno objasjenje, i naravno , hepi end.

Zapamti da ti nju volis. Pred vama je najtezi period koji cete ikad da iskusite, i sasvim je normalno da je tvoja zena "prsla" kompletno nakon porodjaja. Retko se o tome prica, i muskarci bukvalno ne mogu da shvate taj nivo polupanosti u kom je zena nakon trudnoce. Videla sam da si napisao da bi joj dao bar "2 godine" da probate.... a stvarno, ti iz sca, iz dubine duse Kazem da je to ceo zivot. Ti si izabrao svoju ljubav najvecu da sa njom gradis porodicu, i u dobru i u zlu..a sad je najteze, i bice jedno duuuuze vreme, a vi treba da grabite da budete podrska jedno drugom, jer vi ste tim koji se medjusobno izabrao. Iz mog iskustva, ja svog muza volim najvise na svetu, u zivotu nikad ovoliko jubavi nisam osetila, ALl, posle porodjaja evo jos uvek ne mogu da poverujem kakve smo mi svadje imali. Nikad u zivotu ne bih rekla da cemo ovoliko da prsnemo oboje. Boze toliko smo za zivota situacija strasnih imali, i smrti, i zdravstvenih.... I sve smo izgurali i bili podrska, i kao da nista ipak nije moglo da nas pripremi za post porodjajni period. Mi smo jednu noc seli, i lepo se dogovorili, da kad se posvadjamo, kad nam je tesko, da obecamo jedno drugom da nikad necemo da potezemo pitanja kao sto su razod ili razlaz, nego i da se tovarimo najgore moguce, ali da smo svesni da smo mi "ride or die", tj. da nikad nista nece zapravo da nas poljulja tako, jer smo se izabrali, i menjacemo se na bolje, i navike se menjaju posle dece, i nemas vremena da prdnes, odes da se istusiras i stojis u tus kabini da bar tu ne osecas krivicu sto uzimas "pauzu" da se saberes. Mi smo se dogovorili da smo mi prioritet, mi kao porodica. Ni ves, ni kuca, ni posao, nista nije bitnije od nas. Meni muz kaze bicu ja sa bebom, idi malo setaj izluftiraj se, a ja sam mu jedva socila da zapravo zelim sa Njim da odem negde da se iskuliramo, da njega gledam, zeljna sam njega samog da me gleda mazi pazi, voli. Iskreno, stvarno iskreno, ovo je natezi period koji ce vam doci u braku, i vreme je bilo pre nego sto ste decu napravili, ali sta je tu je -bolje ikad nego nikad znaci - sad - sad je vreme da odlucis da li si tu za svoju zenu i u dobru i u zlu. I kad te zamrzi i kad kaze da vise nikad odnose necete da imate jer je razvaljena i psihicki I fizicki i verovatno sad nema nadu da ce ikad opet da se oseca kao covek. Sad je vreme da odlucis da li ces da se boris za soju porodicu kao lav, i da budes spreman na kompromise za koje nikad nisi mislio da ces da budes spreman. | da ih sve volis zauvek, i da istrpis i njene hormone, I ludila, i kad vidi erveno i kad joj nije do zivota i kad masta o tome da sama sebi skrati muke. To je brak. Da znate da se volite zauvek, da privatite da ste vi "endgame", i da ce sve da bude u redu, kad tad. Zapamati da si joj ti najbolja terapija koja joj treba, ne bi ona decu pravila sa tobom da te ne voli do neba i nazad. Trebas joj iako nece to da prizna. lako ne moze da te gleda. Voli te, i izaberi, I pricaj sa njom, i kazi joj sto puta ako treba, milion, zauvek svaki dan, da je ona izbor koji si napravaio, i da si ti izbor koji je ona napravila. I bice lakse, bice bolje, "samo" morate da se trudite do kraja zivota. Jebiga, to je brak, to je ljubav.

Davno sam cula ono da upoznas nekog tek kad sa njim "pojedes dzak soli." E sad, u mojoj glavi oboje jedete tu so, tj. prolazite zajedno kroz nesto. Moj muz i ja smo se mladi upoznali, zavoleli, i za jako kratko vreme smo nazalost pojeli boga oca soli. Bas, bas strasne stari smo prosli zajedno, i stvarno bi sve dali jedno za drugo, i on je meni najveca podrska, a i ja se trudim da budem njemu. Meni su odavno pojmovi kao sto su "novac", "hobiji", "interesovanja", "izgled" jednostavno postali povrsni. Naravno, ja se vodim onim "zivi i pusti druge da zive", pa smatram da nikako nije moja star sta drugi vrednuju i kakve su njihove skale. Za mene jednostavno ljubav koju sam osetila sa svojim muzem nema nikakve veze ni gde zivimo, ni koliko imamo da trosimo, ni da li krpimo kraj s krajem, ni dal smo sredjeni... nekako posle nekog vremena mi je sve to postalo nebitno. Najvise volim kad nam je u zivotu najveci ili jedini problem "novac". Mislim, drago mi je kad pomislim da puno judi zapravo nisu imali tako strasne, sto bi neko reko filmske situacije u zivotu, ko da je neki pisac pisao za "shock value" pa nikad ne vide pravo lice ljudi kojima se okruzuju, i ko su na primer "pravi prijatelji"... kad tako razmisljam, mozda je i bolje da nikad ne saznas, a ne prodjes kroz te situacie. Jer kad prodjes nesto jako strasno, tj. ja na primer licno, nekako ne gledam vise Ijude istim ocima, enormna kolicina stvari mi je postala nebitna. Bas digresija, skoro sam gledala neke slike svog muza kako drzi mog bratanca kad je bio beba, i setila sam se tog doba, kako je bio nezan, kako se trudio sima da pomogne, kakav je bio i prema meni, a i svima iz okruzenja... a tada je prolazio kroz mozda natezi period u svom zivotu... i ja to vidim na slikama, i secam se tog perioda, i jednostavno zam kakav je covek. Znam sta su mu prioriteti. Zam koliko voli nasu porodicu, i znam da je spreman sve da uradi da bi nam bilo bolje. Istrajan je, poztvovan, iskren, posten, uvek snalazljiv, pribran u kriznim situacijama... To je ono sto je meni bitno kod coveka. Samo taj jedan, moj covek.

Kad sam bila mladja i ja sam postavijala takva pitanja, i razmisjala sam da li cu ikad uspeti da se poklopim sa nekim tako - narocito po interesovanjima koja su mi tada bila ceo svet, kao na primer muzika, svirke.... Kada sam upoznala sadanjeg muza - stvarno sam osetila ono "filmski" da je "kliknulo" - i shvatila da su zapravo nase navike, interesovanja, hobiji, bilo sta sto smo radili kad smo bili solo - zapravo nebitni u porodjenju sa gradjenjem nas kao para. U pocetku smo naravno izlazili sami sa razlicitim drustvima, ja isla na svirke bez jega jer mu to nije bio bas najlepsi nacin da provede soje vreme, on je igrao razne igrice koje ja stapom ne bih pipnula... I stvarno, nakon nekog vremena meni na primer u opste se vise nije izlazilo bez jega - odem na svirku, pevam, zezam se, al fali mi. Fali mi da je sa mom, da podelim i to iskustvo sa njim. On kad je sa nekim drugarima sa kojim ja licno nemam nikakvih dodirnih tacaka, nekako je poceo da zeli i on da i tad budemo zajedno sa nima, i ja starno vadim teme "iz dupeta" jer starno nemamo o cemu da pricamo, ali se trudim maksimalno - jer oboje zelimo da smo zajedno u svemu. I naravno, pricali smo o tome, i shvatili smo da starno moramo da nadjemo kompromis, i da se integrisemo u medjusobne "zasebne zivote", jer u jednom trenutku shvatis da imate poslove, mora i da se spava, i jako je malo vremena kada mozete da budete zajedno - i naravno da zelite i da budete i sa drugim judima, i na mestima koja nisu prvi izbor nekom od vas, i sve to je milion puta lepse kad ste zajedno. Prioriteti. Kad se gradi buducnost sa nekim, taj neko treba da bude prioritet, i da se borite jedno za drugo. Milion kompromisa, pa onda jos toliko. Naravno, judi su i razliciti, i nikako nasa situacija i nasi izbori nisu merodavni, samo sam tela da podelim nase iskustvo. Mi smo se jednostavno "nasli", i starno nam nije bitno ni ko sta slusa, gleda, igra, s kim se vidja, cita... kad god mozemo - zelimo to da radimo zajedno, podelimo to iskustvo jedno s drugim. Uzivajte u slobodnom vremenu koje sada imate, i pricajte. Pricajte stalno, o svemu sto vas muci, i sto smatrate da zelite da korigujete da bi vam kao zajednici bilo bolje i lepse. Trudite se da jedno drugom budete prioritet, jer je pravoj jubavi potrebno puno negovanja, i nista lepse na svetu ne postoji... za mene naravno, jer opet, nisu svi isti, i to je skroz ok.