Depths of maybe

Behold! The free man rules the free men! Behold! The free man lost again! Behold! The revolution! Behold! Behold! The free man rolls in his grave; While the nut-case, with his nut-job, in his nut-house is nuts-deep in sheep... Baa-baa-baa Baa-baa Baa-baa-baa Baa-baa They cry, we scream We cry, they scream, can't you hear That nobody actually gives a shit About that friend you have that wets the bed each night he sleeps - He's bored to death by waking up each morning covered in piss Fah-fah-fah-uck my life he says (He stutters as well) Fuck mah-mah-mah life he moans Yes! Fuck yes! Give me the crack cocaine and the twenty-years-stale soup! Yes! Ah, ah, Ah, ah, ughhh, fuck! The unknown grave, and a hundred for one, yes, yes, yes, we never learn, burn another church, yes! Savior, save me! Save my soul from eternal damnation! Write a book! Make a movie! Save me, savior, spare me, savior! It was I who committed the monstrosities! I killed my own children! Gouged their eyes and wore them on a lace around my neck! Cooked them, ate them, gutted them, raped and mutilated! Mine was the soil that needed cleansing and thine is the kingdom soaked in blood! Behold! Our friend died! Dear oblivious sheep, Twelve years were not enough! Brothers, brothers, brothers! Let's do it again! Forget the (14 or 41... maybe 92? no 95... wait, 99? 99?) problems; brothers, forget! Forgive my brothers! Forgive! It won't happen again.

One last thing I said, Just that. One last good thing And it'll be fireworks.

-

Lately it's been alcohol and depression, self destruction and misery that loves company but your company doesn't cut it so you cut it off.

-

Now, how do you get back the people you pushed away? And why did they let you do it? Why didn't they fight?

Ask yourself, for what?

You can't be alone here, Only lonely.

You can't even feel lonely in peace.

Can't find a decent human being In the metropolis; They close down the train station at two in the morning - There are no trains passing anyway. This is it. It's the place where all the trains I ever wished to board end up. This is the place Where I wished to be.

A metropolis - Where you can't even feel lonely in peace.

There's a faint memory of the mighty roars that used to protect me; It was a privilege to be a part of something bigger than myself.

That’s all that’s left now, A faint memory And a word goodbye. I have my pride - Is why I lost my pride.

It doesn't make me sad anymore, When I think about the uneven floor, and the shades pulled down. The sweet promise of coffee after I untangle myself... From your arms. It doesn't make me sad these days - The feeling that broke me out of your embrace, was never mine to take… Let alone keep, Not even then. I just stole it for a moment, While you were asleep.

You may not know anymore If you're standing on your tip toes to reach the clouds or his lips...

But when the rain starts and he breaks your heart, (And it will, And he will.) Know that it's not stealing cars or shooting stars, and it's definitively not fireworks. It's autumn leaves, and breaks that wouldn't hold, love, It's blue jean blues, And it's his heart breaking too.

I'm not going anywhere. Not because I want to stay, But because I have nowhere to go.

I'm not going anywhere.

Until you push me away.

So push me away love, I will never give you what you want. Push me away love, I can't do it by myself.

You know that I could never hurt you.

I will never hurt you.

You have to do that part yourself.

Happy birthday Curly, happy sweet sixteen. I made you a cake too sweet, You ate a slice and said you loved me- but not that much. But that was the first time you ever said it, Do you remember?

Happy birthday Curly, this time it's through a skype call With bags underneath our eyes ; Yours from studying, and mine from working too hard. But we made it work, didn't we? Of course we did.

Happy birthday Mrs. Curly, you told me this one was special because next year we'll finally be celebrating one more. I fainted - I'm not proud - Hit my head and we spent the night at the ER And still managed to have a good time.

Curly, when our daughter was turning three she had soft curls just like you and me. Our whole world was painting our walls with sharpies. We weren't so happy, but it was a masterpiece nonetheless.

Happy Birthday Curly, Fifty candles and you made the cake too sweet. You forgot you already put sugar - We were all happy it wasn't too much salt Like last time, in a cake, salt, yes.

Happy Birthday Curly, we don't have laughing fits anymore when you forget you already cleaned the floor, and your knees look like you're twenty three. She has a family now, no, She'll just worry.

Happy Birthday Curly, It's that day again, yes We already went, we had breakfast, Yes, and I said it already.

But we go again, and we have it again And I say it again, And I'm not tired. And when I feel I am, I forget.

Because I live for the moments when you suddenly remember something small, something good, out of the blue. Because it's today again, And I'm still waiting.

Do you know what today is, Curly? Happy birthday, Curly, You're turning sixty three...

But she doesn't remember it's her birthday, and she doesn't remember me.

I forgive you

But I bet you can't see it. Bet you can't see anything around here, Because I laugh and ask for a quick kneecaping like that would solve all my problems (it would hurt less that I'm sure of) and at the same time I'm having a separate conversation, with myself, with you, with anyone listening, and this is what I came up with. I admit that God, I don't know if I'm an agnostic, most probably not an atheist. Pretty sure I'm not educated enough on the subject. My hands don't resemble the conventional praying form - with a cigarette and last morning's coffee occupying them - while I argue with lit candles that I don't know if I'm losing fate. But God, I don't really presume that you're awake this late in the game, but if by some miracle you were, and I knew you were, you see, I'd call myself another name and you'd be someone else as well. But you can't see it, that's what it has come down to, that's my conclusion. I bet you couldn't see it at all. That's why you could never understand - because you'd be something else entirely - and I wouldn't curse you with the first light that hits my eyes, and ask for forgiveness when I'm drunkenly trying to understand why I’m seeing two moons that high in the sky. And I'm sure of the answer, I know it in my bones. But I still ask anyway because that's just in my nature... God, are you awake? And I pray you don't answer, or pass me by, and lie if you have to. Because if you were I wouldn't have mentioned you under my breath all those times, when we buried him, when we waited, when I wrote about the empty skies, or when he said his last goodbyes. What I said, Under my breath, Onto his neck; Love's dying breath would only be explained by your ignorance.

This is a big city only my dreams are bigger, close my eyes and I imagine the skyline back home. Miss my hand in your hand in your coat pocket, I was tiny so my footsteps were short and fast - looked like I was running beside you, and never got tired of it. But I'm tired of everything else now. And I don't drink bitter coffee anymore, tried to like it once, twice - with her, with him the absence of sugar in her house, wrong mug, only for a sip. Never again I said. I stopped and I'm only tired, I only wait, for the eminent, for the inevitable, for the destined and the doomed. And feeling safe is a privilege so I'll cherish it while it lasts. But I don't believe, not anymore... Have I lost hope or has hope lost me? - You can't play a chord to save your life but it's mine that needs saving, and the smoke that escapes me will fade away just the same, so I'll be fine. I promise, I'll be fine just the same.

I've never missed an opportunity to hate on cold coffee and tonight I'm comparing it to you because for some reason I can't finish a warm cup anymore I end up drinking it up at 4am when the warmth is long gone and replaced with something unholy and you're cold coffee, love I drink you up and I'm not satisfied before the sun comes up you leave traces on my tongue I have yet to muster the will to spit out - and try my best to forget I say I hate you but I can't get enough of you at 4am when I can't sleep because you used to be warm and I remember it clearly how you used to be so warm and I can't sleep because when I close my eyes I can't feel and I must because I'm nothing without these feelings I'm nothing without these poems I feel like I'm nothing without you and I don't want to disappear while I still know what dying means I don't want you to leave this poor attempt at thinking that somehow you're still here like you never left in the first place because I never wanted you to leave and I dwell on what's lost like it's the only thing I know how to do while at the same time I pray that someday I'll pour you out and drink it warm again

Pack your bags You don't really own bags so pack your shit in somebody else's bags and return them after you move. What about the next move? Well it's yours so I don't really give a shit now. I did my part and I'm on my fucking way. The safety net's gone kid, you gotta make it on your own now. And all I want to do is sit in my own room at home and stare at Johnny Rotten on the wall and feel bored. I miss being bored. And I miss that one summer when we were free and stupid and in the midst of everything, we were happy. And I miss you. Board the train you coward. You know you'll be just fine. It's just another thing you'll get through and get used to. And it could be fun? It'll be fun dude. I know that I'm supposed to feel excited but jesus, it's just hard ya know. There's still chance for me to fuck it all up, never underestimate my ability to fuck shit up. No one's doing that though. Feels like you're counting on it. And from the bottom of my heart I'd like to say "sorry to disappoint" but I can't really say that, not just yet anyway. Tomorrow will be better I promise. Walk out though. Walk out and don't look back, I swear to god I wouldn't think twice doing it either. Even though I act like I would, even though I said I would. I lied. I mean, I had to? (Because it was easier to do so?) What am I even doing anymore... Trying to save my ass I guess. Not the right way? Still the only way I know how. And that's alright for now. And i know it's not enough, but this is a conscious decision I made. Because I don't have time for this. I don't have time at all. Wish I never did. Might as well pack my bags and leave early.

Do not call December dull, Oh do not dare for its greatness shined so fiercely once as the Winter warmed a cold heart; warmed a lonely, frozen, yet beating heart to raise me forever in its debt. I will not mourn the slippery roads and brakes that wouldn't hold; I promise, no more. For the chill has left my soul the moment I was let to come home. Do not call December dull oh do not dare, for its greatness shined so fiercely once, for it was me who it saved.

Carry my dreams in your coat pocket, the same one you wear in the spring to hide what I could not make you love.

Carry my dreams in your coat pocket, the same ones I foolishly dreamt when I thought you were asleep as well.

Carry them with you and keep them safe; those are the last of the good ones, as were you, as were you.